Due to the continuing spam I receive, I have disabled all ability to reply to my posts. If you are not an asshole spammer, feel free to contact me via my tumblr page.

To you spammers? You must realize how rude you've been to continually comment on my personal posts with your crap. You are not appreciated and I hope one day you understand exactly what you've done here.

So long, farewell...

Due to the copious amounts of spam this account continues to get hit with, I'm opting to (sadly) abandon this blogspace.

However, I'll be taking up permanent residence here:

http://polaraoidsatsunset.tumblr.com

Come along. Stand with me. Smile with me. Keep riding this crazy rollercoaster with me.

Whale Wars: the way my heart wrenches

Via LA Times: At the heart of the show, of course, is Watson, who was raised in a fishing village in eastern Canada. After becoming one of the youngest founding members of Greenpeace at 18, he left the environmental organization to found Sea Shepherd at age 26.

But it was in 1975, when he was fighting a Soviet whaling fleet off the coast of California, that he really first felt a connection to a whale. Sitting in a small boat, Watson positioned himself between a whale pod and the larger vessel.

"We were able to block them for about 25 minutes, and then this harpoon flew over our heads and hit one of the whales and she screamed and rolled over in a fountain of blood," he recalled while sipping a cup of mushroom soup. "The largest whale in the pod then struck the water with his tail, and they harpooned him at point-blank range. And he screamed — a whale screams just like a person does, it's amazing."

As the whale was flailing about, Watson caught the animal's eye as it was coming out of the water.

"I looked into his eye and what I saw there really had a significant impact on me, because I saw understanding," he recalled. "That the whale understood what we were trying to do. He could have killed me that day and he chose not to. It was a realization — when I looked into that eye, I saw pity for us, not for him. That we could kill so thoughtlessly and ruthlessly, and for what?"

Creating possibility.

I've opened myself up to the possibility that anything can happen. If I put my wishes and my intentions out, doors will open. I've been inspired by a Love community that doesn't even realize that I'm so drawn to them. I've learned so much through the transformation of strangers and I find myself completely proud of their accomplishments and the things they're doing in their lives.

Tricia is taking part in the Aids/LifeCycle beginning on June 6th and my heart was compelled to support her on this journey. I'm fortunate enough to work for a company that matched her dollar for dollar so I made my donation count! Today she put out into the world that she needed sponsorship in obtaining medical coverage for the ride. As someone who has seen firsthand the impact of not having insurance and the devastation that this can blow to a family, my heart was once again being called to action. I am so grateful to this woman for giving me the opportunity to show her love. I am so inspired by the example she provides of asking for the things you need and watching the universe deliver those things.

My heart is being called to San Diego. Typically I would make this an obsession or just get up and go without being prepared. I was that way at first. But I was taught that when you put it out there, you can't really control it. So, rather than pressure this new dream I have declared my intentions and I find that the job search became more of an adventure than a stress. Already I've been contacted to interview with THE company I wanted to hear from. I have applied for more than 20 jobs and THE company I declared as "the only place I want to work for!" contacted me because they're interested. How incredible is that?

I worried that I won't be able to afford the month-to-month. Then I remembered that I was forgetting about money that I have gotten used to not seeing in my bank account. Now there's no doubt that we can afford this. Life won't be "buy whatever" as it has been but now we will learn the lesson of getting what you need and appreciating what you have. I'm so stoked for this time in my life, for the people who inspire me and for the potentiality of becoming part of this AMAZING love bubble that I am already so deeply influenced by.

What a life. I'm so happy to be part of it.

I often hear, "What can I do?" I know so many people who want to contribute to preserving the planet but don't really know where to begin. I think it's become pretty common to fall into a pattern of thinking that as one person you can't do much difference. I know that I believed that same thing not long ago. But then I realize that a bunch of ones add up to a pretty hefty number. Change starts at home and I'm proud to be able to say that I am now part of that. And really, it's SO easy to do things to help make a difference. We've all been raised to recycle and I'm sure most of us do. Throw your paper, cans and bottles in the bin and call it a day. But you can go even further without much effort.

8 THINGS YOU CAN DO

1. Fuck plastic. If you can make just one change in your life, it's this. Ask for paper, not plastic at the grocery store. Better yet, get some totes and rock your groceries in a cute bag. Buy a reusable water bottle. (I'm a fan of the hot pink one from Klean Kanteen.) Check out the many, many reasons why to stop drinking bottled water that you might not have even considered before now. The number one most common litter found on our beaches right now are bottle caps from bottled water. It's so easy for animals to scoop these up and swallow them. Our wildlife are not garbage bins.

2. Get a bike! Nothing is sexier to me than seeing a cute boy riding around town on two (unmotorized) wheels. Most of us live close enough to most things we need. The grocery store, yoga class, the bank, the dentist or doctor's office, etc. Load up some road bags and start discovering exactly what you can access without your car. Then convince your friends! The benefit to the planet will be astounding and you'll love the savings in your wallet. I'm totally planning to get myself a bike and see what I can do with it this summer.

3. Practice Meatless Mondays. If you're already a veggie/vegan, this is something you do routinely. But if you're a meat-loving person, that's okay, too! Keep loving that meat... six days a week. (Stolen stat: It requires 2,500 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. You will also also save some trees. For each hamburger that originated from animals raised on rainforest land, approximately 55 square feet of forest have been destroyed.) If you need some help with some killer recipes for those Monday dinners, I have some great resources to toss your way.

4. Consider your water usage. We all waste so much water without even meaning to. Some ideas on how to help: Brush your teeth without running the water. Make a game out of seeing how quick you can get in and out of the shower. Shower with your partner! Switch to the warm-cold or cold-cold cycle in your washing machine.

5. BUY LOCAL. Meat, veggies, eggs. It doesn't matter. Support your local farmers. Every time you go to the store, you're voting with your dollar. By purchasing items that are grown locally or by hitting up your farmer's market instead of the chain supermarket, you're saying that you support family owned farms and are helping boost the demand to stop letting corporate farms run our lives. You're also helping decrease the demand for food flown and driven all over the planet. Plus, I think it tastes better. Must be all that LOVE it was grown with.

6. Reduce your mail. Take a day-of-hassle and figure out where your junk mail is coming from. Call those places and tell them to stop delivering to you. Call your bank and cancel your statements - get them online! Stop mailing checks out when you pay your bills - do it online. Not only are checks totally outdated with your account number right there on the face of it, you don't need all of that paper or that demand for transportation. The internet is an amazing place. Use it for more than blogging and facebook!

7. Give it away. When you're doing your spring cleaning, don't just toss out the items you don't need anymore. Donate them. Go to Goodwill or shelters. Ask your friends if they have any need for any of it. Make a habit of going through what you've got and letting go of anything you need. Not only does it promote the community of sharing but it also helps you stop from being attached to items that you no longer need.

8. Share. Pass along your best practices. Share the things you do. Encourage the people in your life to try out some of these things and more. The only way we're going to make a difference is to do it together. I'm open to all of the possibilities. Are you?

It's all happening!

May 7-10: San Diego for Muse-ic
May 26: Cobra Starship show
May 28-Jun 5: San Antonio to see Thom and Jess
Sometime June: Forks with Mia
August 28: John Mayer/Keith Urban at the Gorge

No buts allowed!

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been planning these amazing things for myself and then over-thinking it and talking myself out of it. I build up and declare that I AM DOING THIS and then... I change my mind. This has happened with more than a few things but most noticeably my summer vacation. First Heidi and I planned to go to New York. We're both newbies to the east coast and we both have a list of places we want to see there. But then I spent too much time with my thoughts and convinced myself that it would just be way too expensive. So, I did my research and found out that for less than we would have paid for to go to NYC, we could do an all-inclusive vacation package to Cancun. I ran the idea by her and we were a go! We were going to CANCUN. And then I changed my mind. I decided that I didn't want to do that and it would make more sense to take her with me to Texas to see Thom and Jess.

It was around that time that things happened in Heidi's life that prohibited her from being able to commit to a vacation at all. Now I was determined that I needed to go see Thom and Jess. I decided this would be an amazing idea around the middle or end of May. Now I would be doing this incredible San Antonio trip AND still do the San Diego trip I committed myself to awhile ago. That July trip down to So. Cal. had been the thing making me feel like there was some sanity at the end of an otherwise insane set of months leading up to it. And then I talked myself out of it. I had always planned two trips but once I got San Antonio in my brain, I started convincing myself that going to San Diego alone in July would be scary. I told myself that it would cost way too much to stay in hotels. I made myself believe that I NEEDED to save that money for the costs of moving out, despite having a savings account that is more than prepared for my move in August.

So, what did I do? I cancelled the San Diego trip for July. I paid a change fare and totally negated the $100 voucher I had used for that plane ticket. I turned that flight into my May 28th San Antonio trip and found myself turning two vacations into one. I took the safe route. I took the easy route. And I've been disappointed in myself ever since. And then a week ago I caught wind of this. I've been wanting to see TP perform for awhile now and I've recently fallen in love with Alysse so it was like this San Diego opportunity was opening itself up to me again. And soon!

True to form, I have been over-analyzing it again. At first I was like, "YES! I AM DOING THIS!" I was bound and determined to make a road trip of it. I was offering up my car to the open road, my heart to an adventure and just needed to find a companion willing to split the gas costs with me. And that didn't work out. So, I put up on facebook that this was something I want to do and asked for someone to do it with me. And that didn't work out. So, I started looking into airfare. While the price is definitely not right, I can afford this. I can do this. But I've convinced myself that I can find a better deal. I started looking into lodging and found this amazing site (http://airbnb.com) and stumbled on a couple of sweet places to stay for cheap. And I've convinced myself that wouldn't be safe. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Why do I keep doing this? What am I afraid of? Well, I've never gone anywhere by myself before. There's always been a mom, dad, boyfriend, husband, friend, or daughter with me. I've never hopped on a plane and landed in a place I've never been only to go to a place I've never been around a bunch of people I've never met. I am terrified that I'll get there and stand in the corner all night without anyone to talk to. I'm nervous. I'm shy until I feel comfortable around people (and then I never shut up). I don't seem to know how to let myself have an adventure and THAT is exactly why I know I need to do this.

I need to spend the $303 to get a plane ticket. Then I need to spend the $300 to get a hotel room. And then I need to use the $25 ticket I already got to see two of my favorite ladies perform. Because if I don't do it now, how am I living up to any of the promises I've made myself for embracing everything life has to offer me this year?

"Have you ever noticed that happiness is not a dependency, it is a decision? You don't actually need anything to be happy. It's not something that comes from outside, it comes from inside, and when you radiate a happy energy you'll be amazed what it attracts into your life. Don't worry, be happy... sound familiar? Decide now, be happy, and watch magic begin to enter your life."

I don't know who wrote this but I know who loves it. I DO.

There's got to be more than this. I mean I'm happy with life, but there must be something more than all of these formalities that life seems to beg us to follow. It forces us to live in fear that if we fall off this tight rope that we’re careening to our deaths. I just feel like there's more than just all of this routine. Since we were little we all had to go to school and we eventually accepted that it was rubbish but we pushed forward praying that the next step would be better than this current state and we'd be our own selves again. But since then I've never attended a class or a lecture that's ever taught me something truly of value in my life. I want to learn about love. I want to learn why people can make other people happy without even speaking a word. I want to discover what the universe sees in all of us to love us the way it does. I want to be able to open my eyes wide enough to understand how much we all are truly worth. I want to know why people can get lost in music, within sound and art, and forget about troubles, even if only for a moment. We're never going to rid of these formalities it seems. Why do we need to work, we work so damn hard, trying to make money so that we can afford to buy necessities that allow us to survive in the world. Why is money even in existance? It just separates people, when all we are is unity in temporary division. If everything was free, no one would be rich, no one would be poor. Why do we go to war? Why do we feel the need to kill? Killing people to save lives doesn't make sense to me. This whole "life" thing just doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I can listen to music and it doesn't even have words and it makes me want to cry, not out of sadness, but just because I feel. I feel music, and I want to feel it every second of my life. I want to learn about what life is. What is life? Life is love. All I want is all of the aspects that are love. I want to write beautiful music with 20 people at one time and I want everyone to sing so loud, I want everyone to sing what they feel, because at the end that passion will resonate and transcend into love and we will all live there. And we'll never be lonely, because if you have music, you'll never be lonely. I just want love, and memories of love. I want to document my life with songs and polaroid photographs and tattoos as milestones. I want to be wise when I'm old and I want to share everything I've learned with everyone I meet and tell them that all that matters is love and nothing else because the sooner they learn that the more they will get out of life. All I need is love. Love is musical unity, love is human passion in harmony, love is accepting who you are, accepting who everyone is, and loving them. Love is infinate. But this love is nothing unless it's shared. Share your love. We all are so worthy of it and we sometimes don't even know it, but we really are. Tell everyone how much you love them and how much they mean to you. We are love. Cry becuase tears are visible proof of love and passion. Be love, and believe that there is something more than this. Make your life what you want it, make love visible, tangible, passionate, lifelong, be love, be peaceful, make peace, make love. UNKNOWN

I dream...

of a life where I live...

...in the city:


...or near the beach:


...where I can spend most of my time volunteering:


...and where I earn my living doing what I'm passionate about:


...of a life where I am able to blog with the best of them:


...and learn to cook real meals for my daughter:

These are just little pieces of my dreams. Come along with me as I try to make at least a few of them a reality in my world because I believe in this:

There is nothing more important than this.

Not so awesome.

My ability to stay committed has been challenged and challenged again in 2010. I have not lived up to most of my promises to myself and I can feel that disappointment in my steps. To check in...

1. I Will Be Present, Be Love, Be Positive and Be Grateful: I try. I really do. But I find myself having more and more difficulty, as I focus too much on what was or what is come to be. I struggle at work to embrace challenge with a smile and my best foot forward. Every day I'm committed and every day I try but more often than not, I lose. I continue to persist, though. I will prevail!

2. I Will Commit To Getting Fit: I haven't done a work out in over a month and a half. Yeesh! I stopped doing my yoga. I haven't hula hooped. Bad news.

3. I Will Consider What I'm Eating: Another fail. Sugar has consumed me again. Soda, treats, etc. I can't seem to stop. I am trying to find the will power to get ahead but I find that every day the temptation of what is in my kitchen overpowers me. I am hoping that when I move out in August and have control over what items are in my fridge, this will become easier. I have made a promise to my daughter to take some cooking classes so that I can feed her well when we are just the two of us. Not just eating cereal, sandwiches and things in boxes. I will make myself able to COOK for my little girl.

4. I Will Get Rid of Plastic Bottles: I HAVE REMAINED COMMITTED! And I feel good about it every day. That Klean Kanteen is a regular part of my every day now.

5. I Will Be Passion: I have long since given up on Project 365 and haven't paid much attention to my camera or my new flip cam. But. I Am That Girl is on fire in Seattle. We meet every Sunday and we're such an incredible strength in this community. This week we took a break for Easter and I find myself craving that amazing unity in girl power. It's truly inspiring. I want to join the SurfRider foundation and a thousand other volunteer groups. I need to not bite off more than I can chew but I feel destined to make a change in this world.

6. I Will Travel: The ever wavering variable. Heidi and I are no longer going to New York or Cancun. I'm trading in our travels in May for a trip to San Antonio to see two of my best friends. It'll be an amazing trip to have to be with the people I love. My San Diego trip is still on the books and this weekend I started entertaining the idea of taking Mia with me. LegoLand, zoo, aquarium, beach. It could be an amazing thing to do with my little girl. However, today I've started reflecting on the true cost of what it will be to move out in August and I find myself wondering if the more responsible thing would be to cancel San Diego in favor of that money going toward our life.

7. I Will Be On My Own: Less than four months to go! Holy shiz! I'm doing estimates now on how much I need to spend to make us comfortable. I refuse to bring my savings account under $5k. Hopefully we can do this AND our trip in July.

8. I Will Read More and Twiddle Less: I was rocking it until about mid-March. I've been so busy and my reading took a hit because of it. Still haven't finished reading Eat, Pray, Love and I have so many other books lined up. Yowza.

There's lots of room to improve here. I know I can do it.

One Love.

An incredible woman I adore (and you should, too!) is participating in AIDS/LifeCycle 9 from June 6-12, 2010. She will be riding her bicycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles as part of this amazing event pulled together by the LA Gay & Lesbian Center and the SF AIDS Foundation. This isn't a competition but is instead a transformative ride to bring awareness to the AIDS pandemic and to end human suffering.

Did you know that it costs an HIV positive person about $20,000 a year to get treatment and medication? Did you know that there are 151,000 people in California ALONE who are infected with HIV? This ride is meant to help raise awareness to the problem and to raise funds to provide those necessary medical services to those in need.

Tricia is an incredibly brilliant and powerful force in this world. Without having met her, she has helped shape my way of thinking and going about my day. Read her blog, see how inspiring she is, and be moved to donate to her ride in June. She'll be on the road for 7 days and 545-miles! It's such an awesome thing to be part of. Don't you want to do what you can to contribute? I know I do!

Things to remember on those especially tough days...

"We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are."

Checking in.

Checking in. Falling behind. Too busy to write. Will do [x,y,z] tomorrow. One more day. I'll come back to it. I'll try again tomorrow. Need to be in bed. Have to get up early. Lots to do. Deadlines to meet. Appointments to keep. Obligations to attend to. No time to relax. Can't focus on me; there's too much going on. We're living way too fast paced to ever have a real shot at being successful in anything that truly matters to the core of our hearts. I'm guilty of this in big, huge ways. My commitments to myself in this period of personal transformation have been shoved on the back burner because of all of these excuses I've made up. It's time to stop doing that. Only you can make time for you. Why not start now? No more excuses. You're worth it. I'm worth it.

Alice in Wonderland

Do you ever wonder where you belong, where you're going and what you ought to be? I spend hours every day asking myself these questions and any of a thousand sub-questions that relate. I'm feeling so open to the world around me lately and I crave to be part of all of it. I miss my friends who live in San Antonio, I yearn to be part of the beauty of a group in San Diego, the similar but totally foreign Portland calls to me, sitting on the edge of transformation at the closest hub to IATG in Los Angeles sounds thrilling. Anywhere but here sounds like a good plan to me. There's so many reasons I feel like my time in Seattle is coming to a close, at least for now. I can't and won't get into the intricacies of those reasons here but as I become more at peace with cutting the proverbial cord from my parents and all that I know, I feel this part of me that is starting to spread her wings and who is ready to take flight. It's incredibly empowering while all at once causing so much confusion within me. What is right for me? What is right for my daughter? Where do we belong? How will we do it? Is there work? What do I want to be doing with my life anyway? Can we achieve our dreams without having a solid foundation to lean against when we are strangers to a new place? Will we be taken into the community and be loved as though we've been there all along? These things keep me up at night. These questions distract me during the day. But still, I am moved and inspired by the courage of brilliant people who take chances regularly. Friends who have packed up their lives to follow their hearts blindly. Strangers whose tales of adventure and transformation consistently move me and make me think that, yeah, maybe we can. Maybe this could work. Maybe life is meant to be lived without a map. Maybe if they've done it, we can, too. Trust. Have faith. Believe. It'll all work out. It always does.

As I fumble in the dark for some light switch of absolute certainty, I'm also exploring what other possibilities exist in this world. Beyond the sturdy walls of a corporate world that provides for me in countless ways, there's something more. It's not as dependable and it may not take care of us in the way that I've grown accustomed but I feel like I'm meant for bigger things. I can't shake this. I love planning events and interacting with people. I am meticulous in my detail and take so much pride in my work but am I meant to have that go to business conferences and workshops or is there something else that this knack and skill I've honed can be used for? I'm craving a way to passionately pursue something that can change the world around me. I want to volunteer everywhere and with everything. I want my words to be able to move people the way that his words and her words have moved me. I want laughter and love to be a job requirement and not just an occasional happening. I want so much. I want to be part of the bigger picture. I want my hands to leave imprints on this world. It all starts with one. One voice. One person. I can make a difference. I just don't know where to begin.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Where do we go from here?

While this is certainly not the first blog from my bed, this is definitely the first one from my phone. It's so crazy how connected to everything we've all become. My phone is this powerful tool that I rarely use to actually talk on. When I was 17 you couldn't get me to stop talking for hours on end to whatever friend happened to be free at the time. Now I'd prefer you to send me an email, find me on facebook or text me. When did true personal exchange go the way of the dodo? Our entire social structure has changed in such a profound way that it's hard not to analyze what it's done to us and our relationships.

Over the course of the last few months I've found myself really craving more than text can provide. There's this whole element that goes missing when you're not open to phone calls and when you find yourself closing off to making plans or having people over. I don't want to live in an anti-social world that has been so run over with social media that it's gone against the very thing it promoted to begin with!

I'm just unsettled right now. I feel as though I'm standing on the edge of something big and I'm not sure exactly what it is. I keep trying to force the answers but I know nothing about this is immediate. But god, sitting still and being patient is hard. All things happen for a reason but I'm ready to get a sneak peek into what's to come.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Totally worth a few minutes of your time.

The SeaWorld Tragedy, The Cove, and the Blinding Pursuit of Profit

Another tattoo consideration. Oomph!

My name is Jen Carlson and I am that girl.

I've dropped little bits and pieces here and there about my new love, i am that girl, but I haven't actually taken the time to really tell you what's made me fall so hard. It goes beyond the draw of new rain boots, an awesome dress, a cute boy or my shiny new camera. It's not a tangible object that I can hold in my hands but it is something that I hold in my heart in a way that fulfills me beyond anything else I can measure. I want to share it with every single person I talk to and I'm surprised by the fact that I haven't done that right here yet.

As we approached the new year, I had ideas on what I wanted to do with 2010 but I wasn't sure how I felt about resolutions. It seems to be the trendy thing to set lofty goals with the expectation that you'll never fulfill them and I didn't want anything to do with that. So, after spending a lot of time in self-reflection I opted to make commitments to myself instead. One of those was "I Will Be Passion" and just a few days into 2010, that fell right into my lap. A lovely woman whose blog I read on a regular basis posted about a group that she was starting up in SoCal. After poking around on the facebook page for her group, I stumbled onto iamthatgirl.com. I was hooked.

Right now you're saying to yourself, "Nice story but what is it?" I'm about to tell you. i am that girl is a Los Angeles based organization founded by Alexis Jones (of Survivor: Micronesia fame). When people ask me for my elevator pitch I tell them that we are a group of socially conscious women who want to support each other and make a difference in the world all at once. But it's so much more than that. The fact is that we're all that girl and we all need to be reminded of the fact that we're not alone in the things we go through or in our desires to make a difference that is bigger than we are. We live in a generation where so much emphasis is put on how we look, what we wear, what job we have, who we're dating and how we stack up against each other that somewhere along the way the important things got left off of the checklist of what makes a person truly beautiful. Alexis and her incredible dream team want more for this generation of women and the generations that we're going to influence. i am that girl is a women's movement that is going to rock the 21st century, change the definition of beauty and remind us all of what the important things really are.

So how did I come to be part of this? Did I pack up and move to LA in an effort to become part of something incredible? No! I didn't need to! I am happy to say that I can play a big role in this amazing thing from the comforts of my little Seattle bubble. With the recent kickoff of the that girl goes local program, women all over the country are (and still can!) starting their own local chapters of this amazing company. I am just one of a handful of presidents representing the i am that girl mission in her town.

On a weekly basis groups of amazing women gather together in coffee shops, food courts, libraries or the comfort of one of our homes to discuss the big things going on in our lives and the big things going on in the world. Every group has their own unique conversations but we all share in a weekly discussion based around readings and facilitation questions that support a pressing issue in all of our lives. These discussions reach into every corner, from racism to birth control to sexuality and beyond. Every month each chapter reaches out to their community to bring awareness to issues like sex trafficking, equal rights, education, abuse, etc. We volunteer, we make noise, we challenge the status quo and we stand up to raise our voices for those who can't do it for themselves.

If you think that beauty is more than about how you look, you think that making a difference in the world sounds like a pretty badass way to spend your time and you strongly believe that we're all a part of the same incredible team, you ought to come check out our movement and maybe even bring a friend along for the ride.

And if you don't believe me? Believe her:





Our Mission: To inspire authentic confidence in girls and women everywhere so that they can positively and significantly impact the world.

This is it. Exactly.

Limbo.

I've definitely been struggling with this thought process that I wish I was doing something more fulfilling and important to the world than just working for the corporate machine. I find myself feeling like the things that are so urgent and "important" in my day to day at work are just so trivial in the grand scheme. It makes me struggle with trying to take it seriously because I just want to change the damn world! Or at least do my small part in it. There are so many amazing people I know out there making a huge dent in their communities and I feel somewhat at a loss over it. How can I make the money I need to support me and my little girl while also fulfilling this calling in my heart to bigger and better? How do you balance that? When you find out, send me a memo.

Words, words, words.

It's just ridiculous how many books I have to read. Most of them have been accumulated over just the last month! I'm trying to pluck away at them but it's taking awhile. Mark my words, they will get done. My recent book shelf:

Reading Currently:
- My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult (reading now)

Finished since January 1, 2010:
- Food Rules by Michael Pollan
- The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb

Upcoming (in no particular order):
- Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser
- The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
- Only Revolutions by Mark Danielewski
- I Am An Emotional Creature, The Secret Life of Girls Around The World by Eve Ensler
- The Dumbest Generation by Mark Bauerlein
- Food, Inc., a participant guide edited by Karl Weber

Tattoo consideration.

The Morton Salt Girl and I are friends. I want her on my shoulder. To do it or not to do it, that is the question...

The travel bug!

I've traveled all over the United States. With my parents and my little brother. With work. With my ex-husband. I realized I've never taken a true vacation that didn't have an obligation (family or business or favors for a friend) involved. It's always been about visiting grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends in the military or pulling off another big event in another random town. So, 2010 is the year of me. The year of finally doing things that I want to do. Of allowing a little bit of selfishness through after a life lived for everyone else. For me, that selfishness is coming in the form of travel. While we spend these last few months living with my parents and while I have that disposable income at my fingertips, I am going to make the best of it. Come August we won't have any money left over to play with. We'll have to make due with what we have. But for the next six months I am a free agent and I am going to do with that amazing things.

Heidi and I still have to work out the details of our trip to NYC but it's definitely happening. In May. We'll spend 7 days trolloping around and getting in trouble. We'll see Stomp and the Addams Family Musical. We'll hit up the Klit Klub and The National Underground. We'll be tourists with cameras and not be ashamed. We will send up our sixteenth year of friendship with this amazing trip and I cannot wait. I'm ready to have a plane ticket to make it real.

Last April when we flew to Texas and had all sorts of trouble getting home, American Airlines gave me a $100 voucher for our trouble. I wasn't sure what this voucher would parlay into but I finally bit the bullet and DID IT. I'm going to San Diego from July 16-24 and will spend all day lying on the beach, writing, taking pictures and hula hooping in the sand. I'll probably stay in Encinitas and hopefully some place right on the beach or within a short walk to it. I'm going all by myself (which I have never done before) and letting the Universe be my guide. This is huge for me. HUGE. And I cannot wait. CANNOT WAIT!!!!

Summer is going to be amazing. It's something awesome to look forward to. More big changes in my life. I can feel them coming. It's like a spark ready to ignite. I'm so in love with everything around me right now. Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

YES!!!

i AM that girl.

And it's amazing to be able to say.

Constantly inspired by the fight in all of us.

I am constantly inspired by the things I keep stumbling on. Is it that suddenly there are more things or is it that suddenly I am more open to more things? With the beginning of my chapter of I Am That Girl I find myself overwhelmed with excitement and energy to share this passion with the ladies who are choosing to take this voyage with me. Tonight I found the next book to add to my to-buy list. I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World by Eve Ensler.

About the book:

In this daring, provocative, and insightful book, bestselling author and internationally acclaimed playwright Eve Ensler writes fictional monologues and stories inspired by girls around the globe. Moving through a world of topics and emotions, these voices are fierce, alive, tender, complicated, imaginative, and smart. Girls today often find themselves in a struggle between remaining strong and true to themselves and conforming to society’s expectations in an attempt to please. They are taught not to be too intense, too passionate, too smart, too caring, too open. They are encouraged to shut down their instincts, their outrage, their desires and their dreams, to be polite, to obey the rules. I Am an Emotional Creature is a celebration of the authentic voice inside every girl and an inspiring call to action for girls everywhere to speak up, follow their dreams, and become the women they were always meant to be.

Among the girls Ensler creates are an American who struggles with peer pressure in a suburban high school; an anorexic blogging as she eats less and less; a Masai girl from Kenya unwilling to endure female genital mutilation; a Bulgarian sex slave, no more than fifteen, a Chinese factory worker making Barbies; an Iranian student who is tricked into a nose job; a pregnant girl trying to decide if she should keep her baby.

Through rants, poetry, questions, and facts, we come to understand the universality of girls everywhere: their resiliency, their wildness, their pain, their fears, their secrets, and their triumphs. I Am an Emotional Creature is a call, a reckoning, an education, an act of empowerment for girls, and an illumination forparents and for us all.

Who is going to read this with me?

Attention: Ladies of Seattle (or people who know ladies of Seattle)!

The Seattle chapter of That Girl Goes Local (via I Am That Girl) is officially OFF AND RUNNING!

Come join us. Send your friends to come join us. Let's make an amazing ripple in this community. Let's take those baby steps in changing the world as we know it.

We're on Facebook!

I just need to find the courage to see it through.

"Your intuition is always right, please listen and trust it."

Self check-in on being committed.

1. I Will Be Present, Be Love, Be Positive and Be Grateful: I am still trying so hard to make this one part of my every day. I find it so easy to post to my gratitude log, ask my daughter what she's grateful for and generally keep this part of my every day when I am at home. I struggle so much to do this at work. I struggle to be present in the moment when I just want to be "anywhere but here". I struggle to be love and be accepting of people who really just make my life a living hell. Work is the place that seems to be killing this resolution and right now I am in a huge self-reflection pool of trying to figure out what's best for me.

2. I Will Commit To Getting Fit: I'm trying so hard! This week I slacked off on the Wii workout. Since my parents have been home I've found it harder to do. Having an audience there while I'm doing my yoga is weird but I know I need to make a better effort at making it happen. I bought another hula hoop so when the nice weather comes on we can take a friend and hit the park. It'll be so much more fun (and hopefully more frequent!) doing it that way.

3. I Will Consider What I'm Eating: Another struggle I've had since my parents got home. This week I had turkey twice (sandwiches), chicken twice (Pho and Mexican) and tuna fish. I also had shrimp, steak and chicken at The Melting Pot last night. The vegetarian gig will be going back in full effect tomorrow. I feel BETTER when I am not eating meat. I want to get myself to a place of no dairy (though I am already there for the most part). I am holding myself accountable to this one, above all others. Just because mom and dad are home and making their own food doesn't mean I can't retain control over what I need.

4. I Will Get Rid of Plastic Bottles: Going strong! I haven't taken a drink from a plastic bottle since January began. My Kleen Kanteen goes everywhere with me!

5. I Will Be Passion: I'm still rocking the Project 365 but need to read my digital camera book, start working on the DIY projects and really just get out there with my camera to do more than just take my one photograph per day. I'm starting up my That Girl Goes Local group and I've got women who are so excited to be part of it. I'm so inspired on the regular.

6. I Will Travel: Heidi and I about to book our New York trip for May. I've been looking at good hotel/hostel/vacation home rental options. I'm also planning to take a trip to San Diego in July. Wahoo travel!

7. I Will Be On My Own: Move out date is 6 months, 7 days. I've started looking at apartment rates in the Fremont/Ballard/Wallingford areas. But to be honest? I'm also considering the strong chance that we may MOVE. Perhaps it's just a pipe dream but right now I have such a strong urge to be down in San Diego, hooping on the beach and finding myself part of the amazing community that I know exists there. It compels me and pulls me and sings to my heart. We'll see. Right now I'm still focused so hard on making this place have the kind of community I can be proud of.

8. I Will Read More and Twiddle Less: As I said last time I've finished Food Rules and started on Fast Food Nation. I'm also reading The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb and find myself reading it more often because it's so convenient on my Kindle app. The paper book seems to be a little more difficult to commit to, which actually really annoys me more than I can say. I'm determined to finish another book this month. I am definitely not reading as much as I would like. I can feel that on most nights. Too much twiddling!

Cross your fingers and think positive for me!

Tonight I finally finished perfecting my application to start my local chapter of I Am That Girl! I think I've got ten ladies on board and once we scout out a good location this weekend, everything might actually be in place. I'm equal parts nervous and excited! This is the biggest thing I've ever tried to take on personally. I may plan million dollar events for 300+ people but at the end of the day, it's not me who floats those things. It's the corporation's face that is held accountable for whatever is being measured. This time it's me. While there's x amount of girls who are there to be part of it, I'm the one who pushed the ball down the lane! Gutterball or a strike? I'm going big! This new chapter of my life is so exciting. I've lost eleven pounds, I've been doing yoga at least 5 days a week and I'm just FEELING these positive vibes flowing. What's next, world? Bring it on!

Into the third week, new struggles.

I'm still plugging away at my resolutions but this second week has been the roughest one. Keeping positive is really hard when I am surrounded by a work environment that has so many challenges and negative ways of thinking that it's hard to keep my head up and my smile on. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my "career" and what would make me happy. It's this weird balance between trying to sort out what would monetarily satisfy versus what would personally satisfy. If I could take pictures and write all day, I would, but that's not going to keep a roof over our head or food on the table. I'm not sure what's going to happen but I have to believe that doors will open to me without my planning for it. The universe will provide.

I've done pretty good on my eating and working out. I have had a couple of slips this week. Went two nights without working out. One night I just didn't feel like it and last night I fell asleep at 7:30 and never had the time to exercise. I feel the guilt fro it and today need to kick it in high gear. As far as food goes, I'm feeling the limitations of a vegetarian diet and can't even fathom how it will feel when I switch to vegan and eventually raw. I know that if I played with more recipes and spent more time in the kitchen this wouldn't be an issue but I've always been such a picky eater so it makes me nervous. Time to stop that, right? I did have some chicken this week - in my Pho at work. I'm trying! Bumps in the road.

My photography is suffering. I'm so glad I didn't spend more than I did on my camera. I don't want it to be a fleeting passion but I'm finding myself without the inspiration to take photographs. When I sit in the same living room and the same office every day my subjects become so limited. I know I need to sit down with my how-to book and force myself out on these weekends to start exploring the world through my lens. I think when Mom and Dad are back I'll be more inclined to want to head out on the weekends. We've become very accustomed to having this house to ourselves and in this last week/weekend before their return I've definitely found myself just wanting to sit and enjoy the quiet while I can. I should be out having fun but hopefully that will come when they come back. I need to force myself to use this camera more. I need to use my Vitamix more, too. These are the BIG ticket items I got myself for Christmas and right now I am not owning up to their pricetags.

I think I'm just feeling kind of dumpy lately and I need to shake out of it. I'm romantically lonely after 3 years on my own. For the longest time I didn't want it and now I don't know how to find it. But I know I'm not supposed to be looking. These things are supposed to just happen. I have to believe it will. I'm so inspired to make changes in this world but find that this inherent laziness that I've accumulated over however-many years has made it tough to do. I'd rather sit on the sofa than go out and do anything. It's easier to loaf around online than to immerse myself in the world. In my head and my heart there is a distinctly different person begging to be let out. I just need to get off my ass and make it happen. My passion for this That Girl Goes Local chapter of I Am That Girl is so strong but I find myself discouraged by lack of reply from the women in my life who expressed interest or by my frustration in trying to figure out where we can meet that doesn't impose on anyone but also encourages the communication and discussions we'll be having. I want this so bad and I'm breaking my back to make it happen. I just hope it does. Nothing would make me happier right now.

I know that when I write these blogs I'm talking to myself and sometimes that's discouraging in and of itself. Sometimes you need some kind words or some encouragement or another swift kick in the ass but right now I feel like I'm talking to air. I feel that way a lot in life lately. When I want to go OUT and do something on a whim I don't know who to call. I miss having that circle that's always there. I feel kind of own my own in a way that's not empowering or encouraging. My patience is so limited right now. It's ridiculous. I want to Be Love, Be Present and Be Positive. It's just harder to do sometimes than others...

Reminders.

Movers and shakers.

I'm really excited at the prospect of starting up a that girl goes local chapter of i am that girl here in Seattle. I have totally gotten on fire about the prospect of doing this but I can't seem to find many others who feel that way. The idea of having a group of strong women who support each other without catty pretense or games, who can also do amazing things in our community, is just something that appeals to me on such a grand scale.

To apply to lead this local chapter I need nine other local women who are on board to be part of a group that meets weekly to discuss women's issues and to volunteer once a month to work on a project that helps to raise awareness for women's issues. So far I've only got two other women who have told me that they would be interested. This just isn't enough and it's so disappointing to me. I don't know where else to reach out to beyond all of the women I know on facebook.

I'm admittedly feeling pretty defeated about it tonight and am trying to find a way to feel re-energized. If anyone in the Seattle area happens to stumble on this and is interested, please, please shoot me an email at jenandseek (at) gmail (dot) com. I'd love to have anyone join us!

The first week.

This week has been awesome. I just wanted to do a little check-in with myself on where I stand on my commitments:

#1: I do tend to struggle with trying to stay positive all day because some of my pessimistic moments keep trying to shine through. Today I made a silly remark about the ledge giving way and my friend said, "You always expect the worse." I need to fix that! I don't want that being the way I'm viewed. Every morning I've sat down with my gratitude log and thought of what I was grateful for. Every morning I ask my six year old what she's grateful for. We're doing our best! I've just got to keep trying.

#2: I have done my Wii fit every night except one. I do all of the yoga poses, a couple of strength exercises, hula hooping, step aerobics, boxing and sometimes a couple of the balance games, too. Right now my workout is between 20-30 minutes and I'm huffing, puffing and shaky by the end but I'm not going to stop. I feel the stretch in my muscles and it is awesome! I've improved my score on every exercise so much already.

#3: I realized that trying to jump into a vegan raw food base was biting off more than I could chew. I need to ease my way into it. I've attempted to eat only vegetarian this week and have done really good at keeping up with that, aside from some salmon that I had. Today was really great. So far I'm most proud of how I worked it out today. I've only drank water. For breakfast I had some organic grapes and a banana. For lunch I had an AMAZING spinach, mozzarella and feta cheese crepe. I fell off the wagon a little with dinner - chicken flavored Top Ramen. I need to fit more food into our house that aligns with my goals. I've done awesome at keeping the unnatural sugars out of my diet. One slip with a chocolate chip cookie. I feel pretty awesome about how much I've been able to do. I'll probably do one more week of a vegetarian base and then try to ease into the vegan part of things. I'm pumping fruits and veggies into me though and I do feel pretty awesome.

#4: Aside from the last flavored water I've got on my nightstand that I'm working on finishing, I have obliterated plastic bottles from my day. I used to drink plastic water bottles every night and would use multiple compostible cups in a day to drink water at work. Last weekend I picked up my Kleen Kanteen and have used it all day, every day. And I love it. The water tastes so much better out of stainless steel than it does in a plastic bottle.

#5: The camera love is through the roof. I've started a Project 365 and have kept up with it every day. I'm finding it fun to take artsy pictures or capture the things I might not have thought to before. Having a camera back in my life is so awesome. Tonight my accessories I splurged on came in the mail. I've got the bowling bag camera case, DIY book, the seatbelt camera strap, the filters for my iPhone and I even bought a "how-to" digital camera book so that I can better maneuver how to use this thing without spending the cash on a class. I'm really, really enjoying my camera and hope this will last past just some random new year's urge. It would be awesome to get so into something that maybe it could become more than a hobby in the future.

#6: Nothing has come of my travel commitment yet but Heidi and I need to start planning!

#7: Still on track for moving out in August. I refuse to get deterred.

#8: Trying to take on a new way of eating and living has definitely opened doors to so many books I want to read. I have already finished one book! Michael Pollan's Food Rules was an awesome read and I'm already starting to try to adapt his rules into the decisions I make on things that have labels. Such a great book. I'm still working on Fast Food Nation, too. Tonight Pollan's other book, The Omnivore's Dilemma, came and I plan to start that when I finish FFN. I definitely find that I seem to read more often/easier when I buy an ebook so I can do it from my bed on my iPhone but I can't seem to bring myself to want to move exclusively to this format. I love having a TRUE book in my hands too much, even though I find it harder to force myself to make the time to curl up with one.

So that's where I sit with my commitments. I hope you've been managing to pull yours off, too!

Yes. This.

Oy, my checkbook!

Making big changes in your life is costly! I have borrowed a bunch of money from myself and it's making my head hurt to think about. I know that I need to stop thinking about it and just embrace the fact that every penny I have spent has gone toward something positive in my life. Every dollar I've shelled out has either been for Christmas presents for my daughter, to support my new hobby or to promote my healthy way of eating. It's just tough when those things all add up to a lot of cash.

I am making this post as a promise to myself to let go and let live. Everything will work itself out. I'm not hurting for money and need to let go of the expectation I've made up that I need a certain dollar amount in my savings account when I move out. I'll have more than enough. I need to live without worry. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.