No buts allowed!

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been planning these amazing things for myself and then over-thinking it and talking myself out of it. I build up and declare that I AM DOING THIS and then... I change my mind. This has happened with more than a few things but most noticeably my summer vacation. First Heidi and I planned to go to New York. We're both newbies to the east coast and we both have a list of places we want to see there. But then I spent too much time with my thoughts and convinced myself that it would just be way too expensive. So, I did my research and found out that for less than we would have paid for to go to NYC, we could do an all-inclusive vacation package to Cancun. I ran the idea by her and we were a go! We were going to CANCUN. And then I changed my mind. I decided that I didn't want to do that and it would make more sense to take her with me to Texas to see Thom and Jess.

It was around that time that things happened in Heidi's life that prohibited her from being able to commit to a vacation at all. Now I was determined that I needed to go see Thom and Jess. I decided this would be an amazing idea around the middle or end of May. Now I would be doing this incredible San Antonio trip AND still do the San Diego trip I committed myself to awhile ago. That July trip down to So. Cal. had been the thing making me feel like there was some sanity at the end of an otherwise insane set of months leading up to it. And then I talked myself out of it. I had always planned two trips but once I got San Antonio in my brain, I started convincing myself that going to San Diego alone in July would be scary. I told myself that it would cost way too much to stay in hotels. I made myself believe that I NEEDED to save that money for the costs of moving out, despite having a savings account that is more than prepared for my move in August.

So, what did I do? I cancelled the San Diego trip for July. I paid a change fare and totally negated the $100 voucher I had used for that plane ticket. I turned that flight into my May 28th San Antonio trip and found myself turning two vacations into one. I took the safe route. I took the easy route. And I've been disappointed in myself ever since. And then a week ago I caught wind of this. I've been wanting to see TP perform for awhile now and I've recently fallen in love with Alysse so it was like this San Diego opportunity was opening itself up to me again. And soon!

True to form, I have been over-analyzing it again. At first I was like, "YES! I AM DOING THIS!" I was bound and determined to make a road trip of it. I was offering up my car to the open road, my heart to an adventure and just needed to find a companion willing to split the gas costs with me. And that didn't work out. So, I put up on facebook that this was something I want to do and asked for someone to do it with me. And that didn't work out. So, I started looking into airfare. While the price is definitely not right, I can afford this. I can do this. But I've convinced myself that I can find a better deal. I started looking into lodging and found this amazing site (http://airbnb.com) and stumbled on a couple of sweet places to stay for cheap. And I've convinced myself that wouldn't be safe. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Why do I keep doing this? What am I afraid of? Well, I've never gone anywhere by myself before. There's always been a mom, dad, boyfriend, husband, friend, or daughter with me. I've never hopped on a plane and landed in a place I've never been only to go to a place I've never been around a bunch of people I've never met. I am terrified that I'll get there and stand in the corner all night without anyone to talk to. I'm nervous. I'm shy until I feel comfortable around people (and then I never shut up). I don't seem to know how to let myself have an adventure and THAT is exactly why I know I need to do this.

I need to spend the $303 to get a plane ticket. Then I need to spend the $300 to get a hotel room. And then I need to use the $25 ticket I already got to see two of my favorite ladies perform. Because if I don't do it now, how am I living up to any of the promises I've made myself for embracing everything life has to offer me this year?

"Have you ever noticed that happiness is not a dependency, it is a decision? You don't actually need anything to be happy. It's not something that comes from outside, it comes from inside, and when you radiate a happy energy you'll be amazed what it attracts into your life. Don't worry, be happy... sound familiar? Decide now, be happy, and watch magic begin to enter your life."

I don't know who wrote this but I know who loves it. I DO.

There's got to be more than this. I mean I'm happy with life, but there must be something more than all of these formalities that life seems to beg us to follow. It forces us to live in fear that if we fall off this tight rope that we’re careening to our deaths. I just feel like there's more than just all of this routine. Since we were little we all had to go to school and we eventually accepted that it was rubbish but we pushed forward praying that the next step would be better than this current state and we'd be our own selves again. But since then I've never attended a class or a lecture that's ever taught me something truly of value in my life. I want to learn about love. I want to learn why people can make other people happy without even speaking a word. I want to discover what the universe sees in all of us to love us the way it does. I want to be able to open my eyes wide enough to understand how much we all are truly worth. I want to know why people can get lost in music, within sound and art, and forget about troubles, even if only for a moment. We're never going to rid of these formalities it seems. Why do we need to work, we work so damn hard, trying to make money so that we can afford to buy necessities that allow us to survive in the world. Why is money even in existance? It just separates people, when all we are is unity in temporary division. If everything was free, no one would be rich, no one would be poor. Why do we go to war? Why do we feel the need to kill? Killing people to save lives doesn't make sense to me. This whole "life" thing just doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I can listen to music and it doesn't even have words and it makes me want to cry, not out of sadness, but just because I feel. I feel music, and I want to feel it every second of my life. I want to learn about what life is. What is life? Life is love. All I want is all of the aspects that are love. I want to write beautiful music with 20 people at one time and I want everyone to sing so loud, I want everyone to sing what they feel, because at the end that passion will resonate and transcend into love and we will all live there. And we'll never be lonely, because if you have music, you'll never be lonely. I just want love, and memories of love. I want to document my life with songs and polaroid photographs and tattoos as milestones. I want to be wise when I'm old and I want to share everything I've learned with everyone I meet and tell them that all that matters is love and nothing else because the sooner they learn that the more they will get out of life. All I need is love. Love is musical unity, love is human passion in harmony, love is accepting who you are, accepting who everyone is, and loving them. Love is infinate. But this love is nothing unless it's shared. Share your love. We all are so worthy of it and we sometimes don't even know it, but we really are. Tell everyone how much you love them and how much they mean to you. We are love. Cry becuase tears are visible proof of love and passion. Be love, and believe that there is something more than this. Make your life what you want it, make love visible, tangible, passionate, lifelong, be love, be peaceful, make peace, make love. UNKNOWN

I dream...

of a life where I live...

...in the city:


...or near the beach:


...where I can spend most of my time volunteering:


...and where I earn my living doing what I'm passionate about:


...of a life where I am able to blog with the best of them:


...and learn to cook real meals for my daughter:

These are just little pieces of my dreams. Come along with me as I try to make at least a few of them a reality in my world because I believe in this:

There is nothing more important than this.

Not so awesome.

My ability to stay committed has been challenged and challenged again in 2010. I have not lived up to most of my promises to myself and I can feel that disappointment in my steps. To check in...

1. I Will Be Present, Be Love, Be Positive and Be Grateful: I try. I really do. But I find myself having more and more difficulty, as I focus too much on what was or what is come to be. I struggle at work to embrace challenge with a smile and my best foot forward. Every day I'm committed and every day I try but more often than not, I lose. I continue to persist, though. I will prevail!

2. I Will Commit To Getting Fit: I haven't done a work out in over a month and a half. Yeesh! I stopped doing my yoga. I haven't hula hooped. Bad news.

3. I Will Consider What I'm Eating: Another fail. Sugar has consumed me again. Soda, treats, etc. I can't seem to stop. I am trying to find the will power to get ahead but I find that every day the temptation of what is in my kitchen overpowers me. I am hoping that when I move out in August and have control over what items are in my fridge, this will become easier. I have made a promise to my daughter to take some cooking classes so that I can feed her well when we are just the two of us. Not just eating cereal, sandwiches and things in boxes. I will make myself able to COOK for my little girl.

4. I Will Get Rid of Plastic Bottles: I HAVE REMAINED COMMITTED! And I feel good about it every day. That Klean Kanteen is a regular part of my every day now.

5. I Will Be Passion: I have long since given up on Project 365 and haven't paid much attention to my camera or my new flip cam. But. I Am That Girl is on fire in Seattle. We meet every Sunday and we're such an incredible strength in this community. This week we took a break for Easter and I find myself craving that amazing unity in girl power. It's truly inspiring. I want to join the SurfRider foundation and a thousand other volunteer groups. I need to not bite off more than I can chew but I feel destined to make a change in this world.

6. I Will Travel: The ever wavering variable. Heidi and I are no longer going to New York or Cancun. I'm trading in our travels in May for a trip to San Antonio to see two of my best friends. It'll be an amazing trip to have to be with the people I love. My San Diego trip is still on the books and this weekend I started entertaining the idea of taking Mia with me. LegoLand, zoo, aquarium, beach. It could be an amazing thing to do with my little girl. However, today I've started reflecting on the true cost of what it will be to move out in August and I find myself wondering if the more responsible thing would be to cancel San Diego in favor of that money going toward our life.

7. I Will Be On My Own: Less than four months to go! Holy shiz! I'm doing estimates now on how much I need to spend to make us comfortable. I refuse to bring my savings account under $5k. Hopefully we can do this AND our trip in July.

8. I Will Read More and Twiddle Less: I was rocking it until about mid-March. I've been so busy and my reading took a hit because of it. Still haven't finished reading Eat, Pray, Love and I have so many other books lined up. Yowza.

There's lots of room to improve here. I know I can do it.