Goodnight, Moon.

I have been an asshole to myself for way, way too long now. Somehow in the last few years I convinced myself to adjust to just "not needing" much sleep at night. Going to bed at 2:30am with a 7:00am alarm clock was just how it was. I wasn't tired sooner. I didn't need to get that much sleep. I functioned just fine. It was part of becoming a mom that made you adjust to less time in bed. I had a gamut of excuses and refused to do anything less. I didn't want to miss out on things, was my most frequent excuse. If I went to bed early then that was so many hours wasted. Wasted on what? The internet? Watching TV? Playing Solitaire? My health dwindled, probably due to NOT enough sleep, because I didn't want to miss out on quality couch surfing. Sure, the internet's a blast. Fictional conversations are fun. Watching TV until my eyes blur is entertaining. But none of that's worth how it feels to live in 4 and a half hours of sleep, day in and day out, only to crash on the weekend and not feel up to leaving the bed.

I'm not sure what changed. I am not sure why I suddenly started getting tired and aching for bed before 10:00pm. I'm not going to fight it though. I find myself disinterested in the television. This late at night I'm not compelled to want to log into my social networks or my instant messaging programs to talk as myself or anyone else. Lately I've had an itch to get in bed and really absorb the sleep that is going to make me more productive in my day. I've wanted to turn off the computer in favor of reading a good book. I feel like 1996 is knocking on my door again. It's saying, "Yo, you used to get through a whole week without the computer or too much TV. Get back to your paper journal and your books. Remember how much your creativity screamed at you back then?" I figure there's a good medium. I'll find it.

But for now, I just want to find my pillow and get back to Eating the Dinosaur some more.

Words to live by.

My patience and understanding is tried very often lately in an environment that just doesn't nurture the changes I am attempting to make in my life. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't need affirmation from anyone but myself.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Not an up sort of day.

Super struggle today. I don't feel well physically or mentally. All day long I've been dragging and sort of wallowing in my own bullshit. The art of being too lazy to do anything to make myself feel better is becoming a real burden. It's tough to keep the positivity up when I can't even get my ass out of bed. A 4 day weekend is a super blessing and I should have done something incredible with it instead of electing to hang out in my 10'x8' bedroom. I need to sleep this dragging feeling off. Tomorrow will be a better day. I need to start living for the moment and be present in that.

Black Friday splurge!

Thanksgiving was nice and mellow with my parents, my brother and my daughter. We had dinner at Claim Jumper restaurant and then dropped her off to spend the rest of the holiday with her dad's family. I found myself back at home craving an early sleep and fell asleep while watching Away We Go. If ever you've wanted to see a movie full of such simplistic love, that's the one. More love stories, both fictional and real, need to be exactly like that.

While so many people braved against the chaos and madness of Black Friday, I spent my day snuggled in my bed and slept in when I've been struggling to get a full night's sleep at all lately. When I awoke I decided that the most I'd give into this crazy consumer holiday was to hit up the local QFC for some O.N.E. Why the most healthy things for you cost the most will always be beyond me but I snatched up some Coconut Water, Amazon Acai and Cashew Fruit. Then I grabbed one of my Strawberry Whirl smoothies and found myself back at home.

Somewhere in the late morning I felt this urging to finally buy myself the Vita-Mix 5200 that I've had my eye on. Reading too many blogs and too many product reviews told me that other blenders are good but that if I could afford it, the Vita-Mix is great. I've resisted the $500 price tag for awhile now but decided today that the greatest gift I could give myself this season is the gift of health. When I drop $5 or $6 a day on Jamba Juice (more when I get for my mom or daughter), the Vita-Mix pays for itself awfully damn quick and will provide us with a more healthy alternative anyway. So, in a few days I'll have it here and ready to rock. I didn't opt to get the dry blade for now but I figure I can always go for it later if need be.

With all of the stomach issues that a loss of gall bladder has given me over the course of the last few years, I've noticed certain foods that require extra digestion giving me a lot of trouble. I eat for the taste, despite how it makes me feel shortly thereafter. Lately I've been really focusing on those feelings I get from certain foods and doing my best to go the other way. What I've noticed is a strong leaning toward a vegan based diet has made me feel so much better. Having been moved recently by a lot of the things Jason Mraz has shared with his fans and the community about the things and the foods that have positively influenced his life, I found it impossible to avoid wanting to learn and read more. Click, click, click. I found myself on the Cafe Gratitude website. A little chunk of money later and soon I will have the I Am Grateful recipe book, the Sweet Gratitude raw dessert book, the Green Smoothie diet book, some Goji berries and some I am Delighted vegan chocolate fudge cookies. I am excited to test my taste buds and challenge my body to see how it is to eat an organic, raw vegan diet for a little while. I've read so many things about the positive physical and mental results that I can't ignore it. It may not be for me but it's more than worth the shot.

My consumerism today happened all from the comfort of my home and all went toward furthering this effort at making this year a more healthy and positive one. I hope anyone who may read this had an amazing holiday with their loved ones. I am grateful for this life and for the lessons in it.

Do or do not.

It's one thing to have the ideas. I've got them. It's another thing to put forth the action. I'm struggling with that. I have done really well at mentally approaching things from positivity and love but I am still struggling to stop being lazy and to start LIVING how I want to. I've spent more time on my ass this last week than I have actively engaging myself with the world. I still haven't gone to the gym. I've had two sodas in two days. I need a kick in the ass.

"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful." -Mark Victor Hansen

Food, food, food.

I've been spending this week putting my best efforts forward in eating the kind of food that my body will like. I had my gallbladder out a few years ago and have had issues with so many food since. But I still eat them. Now I'm trying to listen to the way my body reacts to the things I eat. What's the point in enjoying a few bites only to be miserable for the next hour? I ask myself that every time something I want to eat is something I know will upset my stomach.

Some days have been easier than other. For breakfast, lunch and snacks I don't struggle too much. I have total control over those mealtimes. However, dinner is a bit more rough. My mother tends to cook hearty meals that my father likes and a lot of times those foods settle on me like a rock. Even my most favorite of Mom's Meals are not appealing to me much lately. Mashed potatoes loaded in butter, her amazing burritos, lemon pepper seasoned chicken. I find myself making a face at these options and when I do eat them, I regret it shortly thereafter.

It's definitely a lot of testing and trying things. I'm trying to start each day with a smoothie and though right now I am still hungry for more, I am doing my best to curb that with water. In time my stomach will stop feeling like it needs to be fed until it is heavy and full. I know that I need to eat more salads yet I am often distracted by really good sandwiches downstairs or the pasta across the street. Both taste good for the moment but that happiness doesn't last.

This week I am going to try to drill down even harder on this. Smoothies in the morning. Sushi or salad for lunch. I've got some organic crackers that a friend of mine recommends. I bought a bunch of different types of nuts to snack on in the afternoon. I'm drinking SoBe Life Water as well as regular water on the regular. I haven't had any soda except for at the movie theater on Tuesday. These changes are not easy but they're making me feel good to do. I am conscious of what I am electing to put in my body and as a result I do find myself feeling better. I fully intend to keep on keeping on.

First Days

I was concerned that I may not be able to follow through with my determined attitude of positivity at work today. I knew that I wanted to be able to dismiss the negative feelings and find how to embrace the up-side. I knew that if I could put my best foot forward at all times that hopefully the people around me would have no choice but to do the same. Even if they couldn't, I would know that I did what I could in that moment to make the most of it.

I am so happy with how it turned out! I spent last night telling myself that I would continue to convince myself on Monday that I could do this but I woke up knowing that I didn't need convincing. A good attitude carried me through the morning and some great music accompanied me on the ride to work, which only further propelled that attitude. When I got to the office I immediately set to making that environment what I needed it to be in order for me to see the good in the day. It was so much easier than I thought it would be.

There was a moment today when I broke down in tears. I have been so emotionally charged in this last week that meeting with my manager's manager and discussing those things that have so negatively impacted my job took me over and it was hard to hold back. He seemed understanding of the situation and was incredibly supportive in hearing what I needed to put on the table. Rather than spend the time dwelling on the person that has given me endless grief, I chose to focus on how I am trying to spin it positive and what I'm doing to put my best self into having to work with him. It felt good to be able to be completely honest about those things that are hard but to also own up to doing all that I can to make it work for the best. This is what I am aiming to do in all dealings at my work. I can't change anyone else and I can't force anyone else to come to the table with an open mind and mutual respect but I can give that. I will give that.

I've been thinking so much about where Mia and I will live when the end of the summer rolls around. It has always been in our plan that the summer of 2010 would be when we finally broke out on our own and that is coming on so quickly! I am being drawn more and more to certain neighborhoods in Seattle and with that comes new challenges that I've never had before. My parents will not be nearby to just take her when I need to be to work early on event days (about 15 or so days per year). I have been worried that I would need to find a new job that doesn't have these quirks or that we'd need to stay in neighborhoods that I don't want to live just to have that super close proximity to my mom and dad. Being worried about this has been weighing me down and making me feel like I'd have to make sacrifices in our happiness just for a tiny fraction of a year. Amazing things happen when you share these sorts of fears with people who truly have your best interests in mind! I opened up to my manager and she told me that I need to embrace what I want and not back down on that because of job concerns. She not only told me that we will find a way to make those days work but even provided me some resources and contacts for affordable living in one of those neighborhoods! She's encouraging of my living in one of these communities so that I can make that network and community that I so terribly crave. These things will come together, she told me. Mia and I can do this on our own and don't need to live within a few blocks of my parents or anyone else to make it work out.

I'm feeling so good about my day and the way that I was able to see my attempts at positivity pay off. They didn't even feel like attempts. It was so natural and I am going to try to keep this momentum going. I was able to see the incredible result of putting out my hand for help and being rewarded in support that I didn't know I had. This is something else. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store for me.

Where Do I Start?

Tonight I am overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness and of being lost in the crowd. I have this strong craving for community and to be surrounded by love and positivity but don't know where to begin my search for where I belong. I know that I have never given myself to activities and hobbies that I was interested in and I've come to the point where I am not sure what those might be. My habit of spending time on my own, combined with a very real shyness around people I don't know, holds me back from throwing myself into trying new things. It's a fear I need to overcome and conquer but I feel helpless when it comes to actually doing so. It's so rough to know what you want and have no idea where to begin. I read so many amazing stories of communities coming together in support of one another and I long desperately to find my own niche. It would be easier if I knew where I wanted to look. What I'd give right now for someone to help guide me through this time in my life. It would be nice to have a hand to hold in this period of transformation. My heart is full and my emotions are overflowing as I think more and more about how much I want to make these changes for the better. I'm holding up hope that I will find the way.

A New Beginning

It's been my birthday for about 17 minutes now. As I've approached this 28th year of life I've had a lot of time to reflect on who I am and how I've gotten here. So much of that is good and amazes me to think about. I have the brightest little girl that I could have ever asked for. She's a definite source of pride and accomplishment in these years that have felt more accelerated than I ever planned for. Can you really plan for life to go the right way? More and more I've realized that so much of it is a random lottery of events that somehow wiggle out of your hands and are left to the world to sort out. I definitely intended to be somewhere else by the age of 28. I thought I'd be fully educated, have an amazing job that paid well, be married with more than one kid and be living in some suburb in a perfect house with a yard and a dog. These were the plans I laid out for myself before I was even old enough to consider what reality might bring to me instead.

I've spent the better part of this year being a real drag to be around. Having grown frustrated with the station in life that I had assigned myself to, I found myself biting off a lot more than I could chew and attempted to become Super Woman for awhile. In doing so, I lost sight of who I am and what I want. As I've attempted to slow down and really think about where I am, I'm finding that who I am and what I want has changed so much since that original plan I laid out for myself. I've been so concerned with going through the motions of the necessary education, the good corporate citizen, the flawless mother and diligent daughter doing her best to follow a plan that her parents would be proud of that somewhere along the way I stopped thinking about what would make me happy and what would bring me to a place of happiness. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to smile and instead let the burden of stress and responsibility become my defining way of life. I kept telling myself, "It only has to be this tough for x amount of years and then life can be enjoyable again." I was so wrong. It's time for that to change.

I've felt like nearing the end of my 20's was an indicator that I had lost out. That my time was running out. For some reason I've seen 30 looming ahead as the point of no return. I've had this idea that if I can't get my shit together before 2011 then Id have no chance to ever redeem the time I'd lost. It's madness, is what it is. Rather than feel the need to bust my ass to get my life where I want it in two years, I need to take the time to stop and smell the roses. I need to appreciate what I have and make the necessary changes in my life to get what I want. It's not a degree or a promotion or a house in the suburbs. What I want is no longer a tangible object that I can point to in order to declare my worth and my success. I seek something so much richer and deeper than that.

Lately I've been moved and inspired by the words of someone I don't know and never will. I've been pulled in a new direction and way of thinking at a time when I needed it most. I crave a sense of community and good-will. I am striving to turn these last two years of my twenties into something that I can be proud of - a testament to making myself happy and thus being able to help make the people around me happy. The power of giving and receiving are very strong and have little to do with what you can hold in your hands when you're done with it. It's about how you can fill your heart and your mind with the positivity of the people you surround yourself with. Gone are the days where I follow some set plan of motions that will supposedly make me happy in x amount of years. The point is to live each day to the fullest, not to work toward a day when I can feel like I am full. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? It's not enough to have an end-point in mind but to suffer through on the path to get there.

Today I make a promise to myself to hold true to these things. I lost sight of why I went back to school to begin with. It was never to pursue a degree. I knew it would take me six years to get my bachelor's degree so it was never about that. I craved education and learning. I wanted to fill the spaces in my mind where important names and dates and times were missing. I wanted to feel rewarded in those efforts by having nuggets of knowledge planted where I felt like I had been let down in the past. And that was the case for two years. But then it started to become a burden. I was skating by just to get the class over with. I let myself succumb to stress being a natural effect of getting to my destination when I never put myself on a path to find that destination to begin with. I made the tough - but right - decision for myself to stop. Education isn't necessarily about the money I pour into school and the degree that I get as a result. It would help in the future but I've never wanted to climb any sort of ladder that my bachelor's degree would help me with. So long as we have a roof over our heads and can do the things we want to do, I don't aspire to be educated in any way other than the richness of learning and craving more information. So long as that isn't how I'm being fulfilled, taking on that stress just isn't worth it. So I've let it go. And that feels right.

This is the time where I need to devote 100% to my job so long as I am committed to that job. I am going to attempt to come at every day I step foot in my work place with positivity and an open mind and heart. I will do my best not to let the frustrations I have with people and broken processes ruin my day. Nothing will be achieved by that so now is the time to start the effort in reshaping the way I manage and deal with those parts of my day. But when I leave the office, I am committing myself to focusing on what matters - fulfillment of my heart, mind and body and fulfillment of my daughter's heart, mind and body. I am committing myself to help support her in school and to help her in any way I can with the activities that she has found herself drawn and devoted to. I am committing myself to a healthier lifestyle in which I try to cut out the garbage that I put into my body on a regular basis. I am committed to helping remove the excess that has come with seven years of not having enough self-esteem to put action where my mouth is. It's partly about looking better but it's so much more about feeling better in a way that I haven't felt in as long as I can remember.

As we near the third anniversary of living with my parents and into the stretch of the last year here, I find myself focused more and more on that goal I set for myself so long ago. Summer/fall 2010, the mommy and baby team on our own. It looms in the near future and as my mind is reshaping and I find myself motivated to let that reshaping help change my habits and actions, I become more and more driven to make this change be a big one. As we exist today, we both spend more time in our living room than surrounded by people. We both tend to want to curl up on the couch with the TV, video games and computers than we do wanting to dive into the community we're not a part of. I am committed to spending this next year giving new things a chance. I am promising my daughter and myself that we will spend more time outside of our comfort zones and submerged in a world that neither of us have ever really let ourselves be exposed to. As her mother it is my job to teach her how to have an open mind and to crave new experiences and new ideas. I've been failing in that department and I am vowing to change that now. I've always been so much more content to stick to myself that I've let so many opportunities and chances pass by. When I sit alone on a Saturday night and wonder why I don't have anyone to call at a moment's notice, I have no one to blame but myself. When my cell phone rarely rings and I can count my honest to god friends on very few fingers, I have no one to blame but myself. Having a child was no excuse to become a recluse. My goal in life was never to make a couch heavier. I expected and wanted more for myself. I now realize that there's still time to fix that.

My path in life isn't set in stone. My experiences are what I make them. No one else is going to come and magically change where I'm headed. There isn't some fairy dust that is going to be sprinkled over my head at any point that suddenly gets me off of my ass and out living this life. I've been content to wait for life to happen for so long that I think I forgot that it's me who has to make life happen. My goal may seem lofty and the changes are many but at the end of the day it just comes down to feeling fulfilled and happy. When I can finally say that I am both of those things, then my mission will be accomplished. Until then? It's time to get to living a life worth having.