Alice in Wonderland

Do you ever wonder where you belong, where you're going and what you ought to be? I spend hours every day asking myself these questions and any of a thousand sub-questions that relate. I'm feeling so open to the world around me lately and I crave to be part of all of it. I miss my friends who live in San Antonio, I yearn to be part of the beauty of a group in San Diego, the similar but totally foreign Portland calls to me, sitting on the edge of transformation at the closest hub to IATG in Los Angeles sounds thrilling. Anywhere but here sounds like a good plan to me. There's so many reasons I feel like my time in Seattle is coming to a close, at least for now. I can't and won't get into the intricacies of those reasons here but as I become more at peace with cutting the proverbial cord from my parents and all that I know, I feel this part of me that is starting to spread her wings and who is ready to take flight. It's incredibly empowering while all at once causing so much confusion within me. What is right for me? What is right for my daughter? Where do we belong? How will we do it? Is there work? What do I want to be doing with my life anyway? Can we achieve our dreams without having a solid foundation to lean against when we are strangers to a new place? Will we be taken into the community and be loved as though we've been there all along? These things keep me up at night. These questions distract me during the day. But still, I am moved and inspired by the courage of brilliant people who take chances regularly. Friends who have packed up their lives to follow their hearts blindly. Strangers whose tales of adventure and transformation consistently move me and make me think that, yeah, maybe we can. Maybe this could work. Maybe life is meant to be lived without a map. Maybe if they've done it, we can, too. Trust. Have faith. Believe. It'll all work out. It always does.

As I fumble in the dark for some light switch of absolute certainty, I'm also exploring what other possibilities exist in this world. Beyond the sturdy walls of a corporate world that provides for me in countless ways, there's something more. It's not as dependable and it may not take care of us in the way that I've grown accustomed but I feel like I'm meant for bigger things. I can't shake this. I love planning events and interacting with people. I am meticulous in my detail and take so much pride in my work but am I meant to have that go to business conferences and workshops or is there something else that this knack and skill I've honed can be used for? I'm craving a way to passionately pursue something that can change the world around me. I want to volunteer everywhere and with everything. I want my words to be able to move people the way that his words and her words have moved me. I want laughter and love to be a job requirement and not just an occasional happening. I want so much. I want to be part of the bigger picture. I want my hands to leave imprints on this world. It all starts with one. One voice. One person. I can make a difference. I just don't know where to begin.


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