In 2010, I am committed.

Since my birthday in November this blog has been a place where I've chronicled my desire to make big change in my heart, my outlook and my body. In the last month and a half I have struggled and I have also made big strides in succeeding. I want to commit myself to these things and more in 2010. It may seem lofty to try to take it all on but why not go for broke when you've got the inspiration and the perseverance to do so? These aren't New Year's Resolutions so much as they are promises to myself to continue my efforts to improve my life for the better. In no particular order of importance, and despite how big some goals are and how small others are, these are the things I vow to put my time toward in the first year of this new decade.

1. I Will Be Present, Be Love, Be Positive and Be Grateful: I will continue trying to shape my brain for the positive. I will not worry my life away. I will enjoy every day for what it is and not spend too much time looking for what tomorrow will bring me or what yesterday did to do me wrong. I will embrace the people around me for who they are, whether that drives me crazy or not. I will be more accepting of them and find ways to work in harmony together, rather than in frustration against each other. I will complain less, get frustrated less and generally try to be someone that people like being around - not someone that people expect to hear bitching from on the regular. I will daily express my gratitude, both with my daughter and on my GratitudeLog.

2. I Will Commit To Getting Fit: I'm going to stop worrying so much about how I weigh and what I look like and work on getting fit. I want to be able to do my yoga poses without losing my breath or play on the Wii fit without huffing and puffing. This isn't to say that I'm giving up my efforts to get back down to my pre-baby weight but the focus on just getting healthier will bring that goal with it. I will attempt to do some form of exercise every day - hula hooping, Wii fit, walking, etc. I will continue to use the stairs in the parking garage at work and build up to taking the stairs up the four flights inside the building. When spring comes I will commit to hiking at least once a month.

3. I Will Consider What I'm Eating: My inspiration to take on a vegan raw food basis is not lost. The phrase "opportunivoire" is something that I have definitely adopted and am following but I will continue to make conscious choices to lean natural whenever I can. I will buy only organic fruits and vegetables, despite the price tag. I will start buying local and from farmers, not the grocery store, when I can. I will cut red meat out of my diet entirely and work at getting rid of the rest of it, too. In my effort to attain these goals I will finally commit to finishing Fast Food Nation and watch Food, Inc. and May I Be Frank. I will stop living in my "what I don't know" bubble that I have kept around me for so long. What I don't know CAN hurt me. The food industry is a mess. I will make conscious decisions about what food goes in and consider what it means to consume those things.

4. I Will Get Rid of Plastic Bottles: And you should, too. The tap is tasty! Despite having a mother who buys Aquafina water like it's going out of style, this year I will stop drinking from plastic. This means my SoBe Lifewater and my Safeway Select Wild Cherry flavored water. I commit to buying my own personal canteen and filling up at the water fountain.

5. I Will Be Passion: Since I got out of high school I have lost something to be passionate about. For all of middle/high school it was writing. I was always writing. I was always collecting quotes. It was poems or journals or stories for the newspaper that I was an editor for. Somewhere in the last ten years I lost that. I don't have MY thing anymore and I'm not sure that my THING is writing anymore. I can still do it but I don't have that same drive. Right now I am so inspired and in love with photography, despite knowing very little and having no idea how to operate my camera outside of auto mode. I commit to learning how to use my new digital camera and to finding lots of film for my new Polaroid. I will use my indulgences from Photojojo to do photography projects with Mia, to display my art proudly in my office, to start taking creative and exciting on-the-go pictures with my iPhone and to carrying my PowerShot in style. I will commit to allowing myself a hobby and to indulge in enjoying every second of it. This includes attempting Project365 for the third year running.

6. I Will Travel: I commit to seeing through my New York vacation with Heidi in May. We will see a city we've both wanted to see together and do so on an awesome budget. I will allow myself to experience new things and to enjoy every second of being alive and being there. I will not worry about stealing money from myself to make this happen. Experience is priceless and any amount we have to spend to rack up an experience that I won't soon forget is worth it. I commit to turning my work trip to Berkeley in October into one of personal gains, as well. I will visit Cafe Gratitude and thank them for helping to open my eyes to a new way of thinking and of living. I will try to make plans to see Corey, Michelle and their kids. I will visit San Francisco and experience it for more than just thirty minutes like I did last time. It may not be seeing the world but amazing things are happening right here. I want to be part of them.

7. I Will Be On My Own: I commit to my plan of moving out of my parent's house after three and a half years in August. I will stop worrying about having a certain dollar amount in savings when I do. I will trust myself to take whatever I've accumulated and make it work. I will trust myself to provide for myself and for Mia as I have been all this time, even though we've had a helping hand to take us along. I will understand that I've got more than most people do when they make the leap anyway. I commit to us immersing ourselves in a community and finding a niche that we can fit into. I commit to moving her Taekwondo practice to be continued in some place that her current master recommends. I commit to helping her adapt to a new school, a new district and all new friends. I commit to not letting our healthy eating falter when we've got less money. I commit to instating a recycling program in our home that goes beyond putting pop cans in a recycle bin. We will sort out all of our garbage to do our part in protecting our environment. I will work to be a single mom who can not only provide for her daughter but also help make her conscious of her effect on the world around her.

8. I Will Read More and Twiddle Less: I spend most nights while Mia is asleep sitting on my laptop doing nothing but surfing. I don't educate myself. I am not reading the news. I don't even watch movies or TV shows most nights. Usually I am just refreshing this or that or stumbling around trying to find something quirky to catch my attention. I am so electronically connected but have very little to show for how many hours of my life I've lost on this machine. As the years go on I find myself with less attention span, a smaller vocabulary and a more difficult time trying to make concise points in conversation. I blame this very thing. I've got piles of books that I've bought and never cracked open. I have a few books waiting to be read on my iPhone or PC Kindle application. I have so many stories, both fictional and real, to dive into. I commit to actually doing that this year. Ask me in March how many books I read. I better have at least three to rattle off at you.

These are the things that I am going to strive for in 2010. These are the things I am committed to succeeding in my year. Check in with me in June. I hope that the person I have started to become is able to say that all of these things have been done or worked on. That's my ultimate goal. I want to be the person I know that I have inside of me. I know the potential is there. It's just up to me to bring her out.

Happy New Year to you and all of your ambitions. Here's to another decade, one in which I hope love can be accepted as a universal and natural right. From me to you, from him to her, from her to her and all the way back around again.

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

My new toy.

I finally bought it, despite people telling me to go higher. This felt right.

Ouch.

Wow, what a feeling it is to have someone say something about you to your face that is true but hurts all the same. It may have been in jest at the time but it really wasn't just a joke. A lot of the time we say how we really feel when we disguise it like something meant to make other people laugh. "Everything drives you crazy. I'm surprised you're not crazy yet." I complain so much about things, however tiny they are, that the people I care about have come to find it something worth poking at it. I don't feel like a negative person and I've tried so hard to embrace positivity and gratitude but am I failing in that task? Am I still just the same old me just pretending to live with new perspective? I'm too sensitive at times, I think. I haven't let those few words shake off of me since lunch time and I have a feeling they're going to linger around for a little while longer. It was frustrating to have the weight sit on my shoulders while I ate and put on my best smile in place of the real smile that belonged at lunch today. It wasn't that I was faking it but I was digesting, thinking and trying to figure out what that really meant and how annoying I must really be. It's a tough thing to hear someome you value and appreciate point out the things inside of you that may be seen by everyone else as a burden. I'm not sure what to do with it but here it is.

Camera Christmas

I won a bid on a Polaroid One600 camera yesterday. $71.00 for the camera plus a 10 pack of film and seven pictures left on the film in the camera. That price value is insane. Right now I'm even bidding on ANOTHER one that is the camera plus four 10 packs of film. The 10 packs retail for about $20.00 so I figured I'd put a max bid of $80.00 and if I wind up with two cameras, it's still cheaper than if I had just bought one camera and five packs of film. I doubt I'll win the second bid but that's okay. I am so excited to have a Polaroid camera. The only problem lies in trying to find film. I'm going to make a pitstop at Ken's Cameras today to see what they've got on hand. POLAPREMIUM has special film for 600 cameras, in their effort to recreate what Polaroid had done. I'm hoping that I can snatch a bunch of those up before the supplies run out. I think I've just given myself a stressful hobby but I'm super stoked.

While I'm excited to play with my new Polaroid and figuring all of that out didn't take much effort, my hunt for a digital camera has turned into a nightmare. I've been without a camera of my own for two years now and it shows in the lack of photographs I've got of my daughter in her 5th and 6th years on earth. I read reviews like crazy and compare cameras and ask people their opinions. Nothing helps make my decision concrete. I've always had the little point-and-shoot cameras that I can stick in my pocket but I decided I wanted to upgrade to something a little nicer. I set my heart on the PowerShot SX20 IS but my dad has been trying to convince me to drop a little more money to get a dSLR in the form of the Canon EOS Rebel T1i EF-S IS. I have no idea what I'm going to do but I want to do it soon...

Protect your heart.

Lately I've been entertaining ideas that I really shouldn't be. I've somehow let my mind start revisiting my past and it wasn't until today that I realized just how unhealthy that is. I had been romanticizing memories and not remembering that there were distinctly painful parts of those memories that have brought me here. I have spent so much time growing and evolving as a person that to give serious credence to these thoughts would only devolve me to a place that isn't healthy. I have taken great strides to put myself in a place that supports positivity, a balance in mind, body and spirit, and to focus on energies that promote goodness inside me and push me to be present in everything I do. To allow thoughts of my past to weigh on ideas for my potential future is just crazy. We leave the past where it is for a reason and I can't believe I'd started to lose sight of that. As my best friend said so wisely this afternoon, "Use your head and protect your heart." I need to keep that in mind.

Boys.

In my head, I've been making up the kind of guy I want to fall in love with. I think about the kind of man I want him to be, the things I want him to be interested in, the kind of music I'd want him to like (or at least try to), the kind of activities we could do together. I haven't fallen in love with someone since I was 19 years old. As a bonafide adult I've never met and fallen in love with someone. I've never dated in my entire life. From 17-19 I had one boyfriend. From 19-25 I had another boyfriend/husband. I have been on my own for three years. I miss having something else. I miss having someone else. But I sure as hell won't find that doing what I'm doing now. I am not part of a community. I don't involve myself around people who aren't either in my office or my home. I'm never going to find anyone like this. It's just tough to know where to start.

Technology can feel safer than it is.

This morning was really trying for me. I really had to consider that perhaps I've done my child a disservice by allowing her to play with my iPhone without asking what she's doing. She's got a lot of games and picture programs that she can play with and has used youtube to look up Hannah Montana , cats and Gummi Bears videos. I have never had reason to believe she'd see anything she shouldn't have been. Maybe I shouldn't be so naive about these things. The internet is a big place and it's easy for an adult to get lost in it or stumble on something they don't want to see. Of course that's easy for a child! We had a talk and she was worried she was in trouble. I explained to her that my job is just to keep her safe and teach her about things and that she can always tell me the truth without fear that it's the wrong thing to do. The talk was good and by the end of the morning she was all smiles again but wow. Lessons for kids AND parents!

Money down the drain.

I wish I could make everyone see that some of these sales that stores have aren't necessarily for your benefit. They're not doing you a favor. They just know the way people work and that they can fill their cash registers with a lot more dough by making it look like they're helping you out.

When you really are in the market for 5 things or you've got some gifts to get, maybe that Buy 3, Get 2 free sale is good for you. But when you've gone to the store in search of one thing and you then find yourself stressed out over what items you'll get just to fill the sale, it's not worth it. You're still going to spend more money than you intended by purchasing 3 instead of 1, no matter that you get 2 additional items free. Not to mention that if you can't pick 2 others to pay for, how are you going to pick 2 to be free!

And when the grocery story has 10 for $10 that doesn't mean you need to buy 10 boxes of cookies or crackers or boxes of popcorn. You can buy 2 for $2 instead. Or you can just get what you came for and ignore the sale since you weren't in the market for cookies or crackers or popcorn anyway.

I just cleaned my mom's kitchen and I threw away a garbage bag full of unused food items. A black garbage bag that I couldn't even lift and had to ask my dad to put in the trash outside. This consumer driven, overconsuming culture we live in is insane. The stores know it, too. They thrive on it. These price tags aren't for you. They're so they can make more money. They know they'll sucker you into getting more than you need and more than you can afford and that'll just boost their bottom line.

They're not helping you. And you're not helping yourself. Buy what you need. Keep waste to a minimum.

Rest and relaxation are good for the mind and spirit.

After spending four days laid up taking care of my daughter and then taking care of me, I really wanted today to just have some "me" time. However, this morning we all decided it was best if Mia didn't go to her dad's today and so I found myself with more time with the little one. My patience ran thin most of the day and it definitely came through. I'm fortunate that she's so awesome at listening and was able to explain to her why mommy was cranky. At 4, I told her I needed to take a little nap so she set herself up with a movie and some vegan animal cookies and promised me an hour of quiet.

That (almost) hour was so weird. The first 15 minutes felt like two hours. The next 15 minutes felt even longer. Finally I fell asleep but was woken up only about 45 minutes into my nap by her asking me if i wanted my split pea soup now that grandma was home with a can of it. I decided to get up at that point because I've had a hankering for split pea ever since Tristan Prettyman tweeted about it days ago. But man, that time in bed was amazing and not just because it actually made me feel rested for the first time in days.

I laid there thinking about the way my body has felt while I was sick. I considered the things that I knew saved me from being more sick than other people were. I considered the reasons that I felt terrible at the moments that I did. This morning a bottle of juice that was too full of sugar could be felt in my veins in a way that made me feel terrible and uncomfortable. It was a shoddy replacement for the all-natural morning smoothie that I have grown accustomed to. I started thinking about the fact that I might forego getting a gym membership and a personal trainer in favor of spending the month my parents are in Hawaii using our home to get in touch with what my body needs. It may sound cheesy but we've got a Wii and Wii Fit has some really great exercises and some beginning yoga moves for me to start testing my body with. Easy to do while mom and dad aren't around to help provide the childcare I need to find time for that sort of thing. But as I was in bed visualizing yoga moves and having the time and space to let myself dance when I felt it or use my new hula hoop when I am compelled, my entire body started to feel the would-be effects of what those things would have on me. It was almost like I was transported to a time ahead when those things weren't just a thought in my mind but a reality in my movement. It's so hard to explain but that 30 minutes where my mind was suspended and slowing down time really helped me realize just how much I want these amazing things in my routine. I'm so looking forward to a month of just me and my daughter, ushering in some of these new changes that we don't have the room for when this house is crowded with all four of us.

I'm ready for it. Bring it on.

Down and out.

It's funny how timing works, isn't it? Just this last weekend/earlier this week things started to trickle in that I had ordered to help Mia and I in our lifestyle changes. The Vita-Mix, the food processor, raw food "cook" books, powders from HealthForce, a book from Cafe Gratitude. I was filled with such vigor to go out and buy the ingredients I needed to start preparing these amazing meals and smoothies. And then we got hit with a flu bug.

At 11:30pm on Monday night my daughter started getting sick and that lasted every hour or so until 6:00pm on Tuesday. Wednesday was filled with horrible ear pain for her, dizziness and high fever that made it nearly impossible for her to move. Of course, my time under the weather and with my face in a toilet was bound to come and that it did at noon on Thursday. Fortunately, we had just gotten home from seeing the doctor about her ears and I didn't suffer the embarrassment of vomiting in public. That would have been horrible.

While I was laid out for most of Thursday, drifting in and out of sleep, and today have pretty much sat around unwilling to do anything, I chalk up the fact that I only vomited twice and didn't feel near as horrible as Mia or my mom because of the changes I've already made in how I eat and how I treat my body. As soon as my kid started getting sick, I started using HealthForce's Truly Natural Vitamin C three times a day. And I really, really think that contributed to my not getting hit as hard. I also learned that I will never eat McDonald's again. I'll spare you the details.

Now I'm just excited that we're both coming back to life. We're not 100% yet but we're getting there, slowly but surely. I'm excited to feel like ourselves again. Afterall, we've got two of Mandi's hoops that we haven't gotten to break in yet.

Bad food.

It's really incredible just how much you feel that food is bad for you when you start focusing on eating things that your body wants. I've been really honed down on focusing on a vegan-based, raw-food emphasis diet. I don't stick wholly to it but I have that as my foundation and have little veered from it in the last couple of weeks.

However, I find that when I do eat some sugar-loaded dessert or a slice of pizza (as I am right now), my body is throwing up a big WTF ARE YOU DOING? sign at me. It's rough when we're confined to the house with illness to keep to my eating well. My parents' house isn't equipped with the right choices for me and so I find myself diving into the kind of food that makes me feel guilty to eat on a regular basis. No good, no good at all.

But at least with this slice of pizza this morning, however my stomach may disagree, I'm serving a worthy cause. All of the proceeds from Papa John's sales last night went to the families of the fallen Lakewood police officers. So, my body may be rejecting the fact that I'm giving it nonsense but I feel good for having made the purchase, just for that cause alone.

But really. My Vitamix and my food processor are in boxes in the living room after having been delivered and purchased this week. I've got Healthforce bottles sitting on my counter. It's time to start giving this body what it needs. I know I'll feel better for it. Right now I just feel like a rock.

Releasing Toxic Thoughts

My six year old woke up at 11:30 crying. When I got into our room I found that she had vomited all over her bed and down onto mine, too (we share bunk beds right now). She was bawling her eyes out and miserable. I quickly went into mom mode and got her out of bed and into the bathroom where we took her out of her clothes and I got her into the shower. As I went back to the room to clean I felt an anger coming over me. My mom came in with some fresh sheets to put on one of the beds for her to sleep in and I found myself spitting out angry words. "She's old enough to get down and go to the bathroom if she thinks she's getting sick!" "Why would she try to stop herself?" "I just wanted to go to bed!" I was angry even though this poor little girl didn't want this at all. My mother went to bed and told me to deal with it myself if I was going to have such a bad attitude.

I found myself back in the bathroom where she was showering. As she stood in there washing herself, I closed my eyes and breathed. I started to list off all that I was thankful for. She could be much sicker. She was still joking around and having a good time. The mess was contained to the beds so there wasn't a mess to deal with on floors/nightstands/books/etc. I realized that my anger had no place here and immediately wrapped her up in love when she got out of the shower. I reminded her that I wasn't mad and that I knew she didn't want to be sick. I changed her into her PJs and set up her temporary bed.

A little bit later I heard her crying as the second wave of sickness came over her. This time she had a bucket and there was no mess. As we cleaned up she asked me to stay in the bedroom with her. I dragged my feet and started listing off all the reasons I didn't want to. I wanted to watch my shows in the living room. I didn't want to deal with her talking about how bad she felt when I couldn't fix it. I didn't want to sit in the same room as her all night and breathe in her dirty germs. I had this list of reasons not to and told her that I'd rather not. But the look in her eyes immediately changed my mind. This tiny person only wanted one thing to make her feel better. Not water or crackers. She wanted mom. So here I type as she watches a cartoon to try to help her relax before attempting sleep again. If I get sick, so be it. My little girl needed her mom and who am I to deny that?

I remember being young and sick and wanting my mom to be with me and her telling me to call for her if I got sick again but that she was going to sleep in her own room. I hated that feeling. So, for better or worse, we're bunked together in my bed. She's gotten sick three times now and I hope that's all for tonight. But if it's not, we'll face it. There's no room for anger or dragging feet. I'm constantly reminded why it's so important to Be Present and Be Love. I cross my fingers that I won't get sick, too. I just doubled up on my Truly Natural Vitamin C and I'm having faith. If I do? This too shall pass.

Amazing. Read it!

"The problem is you are hard-wired by evolution to need to do things for people. Everybody for the last five thousand years seemed to realize this and then we suddenly forgot it in the last few decades."

7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable

Short but sweet.

Last night I was at a party with my company and I found myself being challenged to remain positive in the face of some things that were really bothering me. I am so grateful to the people who have learned to know me so well that they can pick up these cues without my even thinking I am giving that vibe off. I am so grateful to friends who protect you without you even knowing that you need protected. I'm grateful for big hugs that work better than any medicine a doctor can prescribe. Despite any frustrations I might have had, last night was amazing. And what made it most amazing was realizing that I've got real FRIENDS where most people just have co-workers. I'm so lucky. They make attempting love and positivity part of my every day life so much easier.

Good fortune shines.

Today I got my shipments from HealthForce and Cafe Gratitude. The delivery came just seconds before I had to haul ass to the Toyota dealership to give my Scion some love and affection (and to make the "maintenance required" light go away). I was bummed that I didn't get time to settle in with my boxes and carefully pour over each piece of it. But rather than dwell or make myself late, I snatched my I Am Grateful book off the top and hit the road.

In the hour that they were working on my car, I sat with Tristan Prettyman in my ears and the book at my fingertips. I read every single page, perused every recipe and totally digested the concept of healing, being present, expressing gratitude and taking control of my thinking. It was like a little voice whispering in my ear that really made me think consciously about how every moment is my choice and I control how I will let my past and my future play a role in my now. I was almost disappointed when the Toyota representative called my name to tell me that my car was ready. I wasn't ready to put the book down.

Rather than do the usual and head home for a nap or some TV/internet time before tonight, I opted to stop by the store to do something I've been procrastinating on for awhile now. On Saturday is our company Christmas party and they do it up every year. People dress up and really enjoy this time together in our little Research community. The first year I was able to go (2007) I wasn't aware of how nice people would dress up. I was just in my cotton grey/black striped dress and felt so out of place but I had fun anyway. Last year I was in Indiana and missed the party due to other work obligations. This year I have been so excited to find a dress, take my best friend and really just enjoy it to the full extent.

But therein lies the rub. I've been putting off shopping for a dress. I've been carrying around 60 extra pounds since I had my daughter seven years ago. However, whenever I go shopping I don't feel as heavy as I am which only leads to an epic disappointment in the dressing room. A typical clothes shopping excursion for me just ends in a lot of disappointment, feeling bad about myself and leaving the store empty handed. This is why I live in polos from work events and t-shirts 90% of the time. But today I went in with a new attitude. I was going to shop the size I know I am, despite how I feel. I was going to find a dress that screamed beautiful and I was going to own it. I picked 4 dresses to try on. On the very first try I had my dress. The first dress I put on felt good, looked good and made me feel amazing. I can't recall this happening in the past. Ever.

Is it a coincidence that all of these things collided on the same day? I don't think so. Magic happens when you put on a smile and approach life through optimistic eyes.

Can't answer this on twitter or facebook.

Where in your life are you being selfish, and in what areas are you making a great contribution?

I find myself being selfish with MY time. I tend to put so much importance on my stressful day that when I get home I want to be left alone to do my own thing. My own thing generally involves surfing the internet, watching youtube or catching up on too many TV shows. As a result I end up not spending quality time with my six year old. We don't talk much. We don't play as often as we should. This is something I am consciously aware of and really trying to make an effort to fix.

I feel like my great contribution is coming from the person I am transforming into. The new focus I have on really listening to my body and my self have contributed so much into my life already. I am more positive. I feel like I am more enjoyable to be around. I come to the table with a better willingness to listen. I am being love and putting gratitude out in all that I am doing and I hope that in doing so I am contributing to the world around me. There's so much room to grow in that. I want to be an example in my community and a role model for my daughter. If I can show her how to be positive, see beauty around her, think consciously about the way she speaks and acts, eat healthy and be present in her life - what a great contribution to leave in the world!

Full of...?

It's a bummer to have spent the last two weeks really trying to dive into my healthy new way of approaching my mental and physical state only to gain two pounds in the process. For the most part I've had no unnatural sugar, I've been starting my day off with an all-fruit smoothie or a smoothie of some sort. I've been super conscious about trying to eat the things that make me feel good and not stress out about counting points or calories. I've been sleeping right. I've been positive and approaching this life with love and appreciation. But the blasted scale still tells me I've gained weight! I know that the Weight Watchers plan (that I quit today) would tell me that fruit is a no-no and too many points but I just don't feel like that is accurate. I'm not going to eliminate the things that make my body feel good just because Weight Watchers suggests I have some toast with butter and an egg instead. Fuck that. So hopefully I'll start losing weight here soon but I guess the big take away right now is that I FEEL better. That's the most important thing, right?